Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
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Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
That earthquake could have been an email.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.