@DanKCharnley: Don't make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
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@ibid78: [A-ha rehearsal] "Here's the lyric: Take On Me." "What about Take Me On?" [4 hrs of arguing later] "Ok we'll say both. Now let's get perms."
@JennyJohnsonHi5: "Yeah, well your dog isn't a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you're vaccinated" - how a kid talks shit in 2015
@WilliamAder: Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
@JimGaffigan: A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?