Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
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Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
watergate? u mean a dam??
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos