Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
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[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Tremendous stuff
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?