DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
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My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
This is I, Robot all over again
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”