DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
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God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
never ask a starfish for directions
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels