You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
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Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja