Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
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of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Very problematic
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?