@BritXNic: Don't mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.
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@TweetingDadGuy: Winter is great because it gets dark earlier and you can get a head start on your shady activities.
@david8hughes: [puts dog in car] Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet Wife: why u whispering [car screeches away] Me with wife in headlock: thats why
@ThaJawn: I grew up on cartoon violence So naturally, when I fight, it's a giant dust ball with stars and exclamation points flying about
@fro_vo: [job interview] interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years? me: that's a trick question there is no c in any of those words