Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
You Might Also Like
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch