Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
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Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out