Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
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Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.