Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
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Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.