@Chelsea_Elle: Don't pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
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@wwwdotben: It's 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I'm still writing 2014 on my checks.
@Brianhopecomedy: Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.
@Just_Lee_: It's pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
@ShesARealGenius: [Snail Court] Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor? Snail Judge: I'm sorry; we don't have that kind of time.