@Chelsea_Elle: Don't pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
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@xLiserx: Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it's still "Lisa, you've been banned from this Wendy's".
@hazelmotes1: When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don't cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.
@david8hughes: [bank] I'd like to pay this into my account [empties pockets full of cat teeth] OMG I'm so sorry [takes card back] that's the wrong account
@rachelle_mandik: New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw? Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?