Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129