Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
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My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”