Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.