Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
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KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.