Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
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My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*