@Cads_wallop: “Wow! What a rush” I exclaim, bending down to tie my shoelaces.

@PanicRestroom: He died doing what he loved: being alive

@jwoodham: [Gets a Netflix notification on phone] FRIEND: Is that your ex? ME: [Lying] No.

@CerebralWreck: Lawyer: why do you want a divorce? Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly. Me: it's not my cup of shoes, Linda!

@AnitaHelmet: There's a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out. She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.