Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
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Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Bed should get ready for ME
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.