@P1ssed_K1d: Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I'm onto your marketing scam... #EasterBaskets
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@KalvinMacleod: [dating game] GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo? G: contestant #2
@BobTheSuit: Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I'm riding a Big Wheel on the freeway? Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
@GriffLightning: OH MY GOD EDDIE MURPHY IS GOING TO DO STAND UP I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT oh never mind they're going to commercial. #SNL40
@davetureq: Ever since they started calling pole dancers "artists," I've been writing on my resume that my talents include "moving in artistic circles."