Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

@TheCatWhisprer: Sorry I hung up on you, I didn't mean to answer the call.

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@ArfMeasures: DATE: I'm a historian, I love the mediaeval era ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

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@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself? ME: *don't let her know you're a delicious chocolate cake* Moist

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@ozzyunc: "I want to get drunk in public." "Me too but on pancake batter." "If only there was a way to solve both problems." -The Origin of Eggnog

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@3sunzzz: *looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children! Thank you, they came with the frame.

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