Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
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I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.