“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket