@shutupmikeginn: "Dont put all your eggs in one basket," is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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@msdanifernandez: [during sex] him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens [takes out telescope to watch comet]
@InternetHippo: BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!! [crowd goes nuts] ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
@joci2203: I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay! Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.