“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Just me?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.