dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
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How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
*lint rolls you awake*
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend