A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
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Awesome parenting 😂
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
BRAKING NEWS!!
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.