“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
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I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it