Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
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Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Found the job I’m suited for
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!