Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
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Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.