“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
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{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere