Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
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My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Good news
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.