You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
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“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
*swipes right on my hand mirror
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes