Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
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I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
what does he know…
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Just a friendly reminder!
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.