I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
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My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I would move hell over six inches for you
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
wait.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.