<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
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I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
girls literally only want one thing..
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam