Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
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I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
There is no try. There is only give up.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
WHY?!
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.