@JermHimselfish: Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule
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@lynyrdsbackyard: I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
@JessObsess: Him: sex tonight? Me: Work put me in a bad mood Him: tomorrow? Me: I have a headache tomorrow
@deathoftheparty: read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
@ch000ch: *crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i'm having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok