Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
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When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!