Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
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funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Good Morning.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”