@BreadFoster: Don't say "lets get weird" on our date then get freaked out I'm dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.
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@KeetPotato: a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn't really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
@KentWGraham: I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
@just1fool: Last time I went to the doctor he prescribed constipation medicine to clear up my earwax. He was right about me being a shithead apparently.
@vineyille: Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”