Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
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I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.