Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
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Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet