Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
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“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?