Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
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What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
kevin is now a local weatherman
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.