Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
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My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I didn’t come here to be called names
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
craving $300 all of a sudden
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.