@kylamb16: Don't simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese's pieces on Halloween
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Some coworkers sign emails with "cheers" or "sincerely" followed by their names but I typically use "you've made a powerful enemy today."
@AndyAsAdjective: [1st date] WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss? HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table* DRACULA: *just glares at her*
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: My Roomba sucked up some cocaine & cleaned the entire house in 5 mins. Now my jewelry's missing & the Roomba's trying to bang the blender.
@RadOrDie: I bet a lot more people would read the Bible if it was called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.