@kylamb16: Don't simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese's pieces on Halloween
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@_breannuh: This fitness girl I follow on insta TREATED herself today with regular eggs instead of egg whites... eggs bro.. I will never be fit
@Elizasoul80: A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I'm mad at her because I haven't answered, but I'm still typing.
@john_vavra: GF: ...I'm pregnant ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I've also got some pretty big news
@JohnLyonTweets: Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid "falls" down a well.