Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
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Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I love the National Park Service.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
PARKOUR
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.