Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
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The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?