don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Okay, I’m still confused…
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir