Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
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If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Speak now or ever hold your peace
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
“what that mouth do?” complain
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.