Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
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They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
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You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.