Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
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My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Penguins walking in 5x speed
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.