DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
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The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening