DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
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Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.